GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.