No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
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[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
6: are snakes just neck?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.