The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Death certificates are our last participation award.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
let’s discuss
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze