Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
that’s really how it is
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.