I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
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Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.