My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.