To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
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I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.