Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
What?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Perfection.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?