Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real