Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
huge valentines day plans this year!!
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.