*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
…u ok Nintendo?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Oh yeah that’s it
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.