[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
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I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.