Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before