If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director