I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
You Might Also Like
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”