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Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Close call…
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.