Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
men, we mow at sunrise.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Discuss
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.