me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
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WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
i wish we could shoplift online
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.