“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
That stupid look on my face, is my face