Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Sing it!
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet