What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Meowchelangelo
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!