finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Owl Sanctuary
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…