Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
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i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities