Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I’m going to need a moment here.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
that de-escalated quickly
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
This is so me 😂😂