Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I unironically love this joke.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.