ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.