Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
They’re called werewolves.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.