I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
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By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.