watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Lube but for my dry humor.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”