“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.