Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.