Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Monday Lisa
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something