Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
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To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those