When ur friends with white people
You Might Also Like
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
LMAO.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO