WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
You Might Also Like
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.