I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
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bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.