[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
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Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
This story is comedy gold 😂
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.