Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
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eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi