Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.