My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”