Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says iâm not allowed out after dark
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
hey i know we havenât talked since high school but weâre celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
god: youâre a pig
pig: huh
god: youâre filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: câmon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: hereâs the thing
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. đ No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
God: youâre a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: itâs the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you werenât supposed to see that.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
People hate me at Bâway musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, âYou donât have to do this. Just talk to us.â
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESNâT WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
girl on bumble: hey đ ur cute but I noticed you didnât include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i donât see why this is important
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
hey weâre calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more