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[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again