[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
You can’t outrun your problems…
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
A leaf blower, but for people.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.