Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft