Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Yoga Matt
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast