if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
You Might Also Like
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Friday
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice