[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I think my mom just blocked me
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Nice try Hitler
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca