sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
He just like my cat fr
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day