A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
cry laughing at this shit
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Bless you
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do