My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
You Might Also Like
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I hate my earbuds.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.